《授我以筷》——忆蔡澜

蔡澜在四天前逝世了,享年83岁。他的妻子先他而去,无儿无女,直至离世当日,始终由专业看护团队轮班照料。他长租高级酒店套房,隔着落地窗俯瞰维多利亚港的景色。助手如此描述先生的最后时光:“先是每天休息时间延长,然后吃喝减少,最后不言不语,在睡梦中安详地离去,没有半点痛苦。若是先生知己,应会为他感到庆幸。

小时候妈妈就常买蔡澜的书来看,只要在书架上瞥见,我总会抽出来读,因为比起同个书架上的金庸小说啊、什么回忆录啊,蔡澜的书册总是小巧轻薄,不消片刻便能读完一本。所以我从很小就开始接触蔡澜的书。

记忆里,他的书很多都是以一篇篇散文集结成册的形式,每一篇都是他的随笔,篇幅不长。有时讲美食,有时通过分享一些见闻和体验来阐述他的人生观。从小就特别向往他的那份潇洒恣意,仿佛整个世界都是他的游乐场,东吃吃西逛逛,兴之所至就随笔记录下来,还有稿费赚!简直偶像。

初中时老师让我们写一篇题为《简朴生活就是美》的阅读报告,看到那个标题时我全身的细胞都在抗拒——蔡澜书中五彩缤纷的花花世界我向往了这么多年可还一点都还没体验过,你跟我说简朴生活就是美?开什么玩笑,至少也得玩够了再说吧?最终我选了一本阐释 “简朴是返璞归真过程” 的书,却在文中引用蔡澜的话,向出题老师抛出质疑:若未历繁华,何以悟简朴?这篇阅读报告后来被学校老师寄去参赛了,听说在评审间还引起了一点争议,因为其他参赛作品都是老老实实地述写歌颂简朴生活的美德,只有我这个反骨仔打从内心深处就无法赞同和理解这个题目,表面上说没错这是人生的过程,但字里行间都是对毫无过程直接拥抱简朴生活的质疑。

年轻的我或许还没发现,但我早已被蔡澜影响,对他的人生观深以为然。

十几年前蔡澜和倪匡到新加坡来开座谈会《老友讲老友》,当时我把学校图书馆里金庸倪匡蔡澜的书都已借阅了一遍,作为头号大书迷的我非常兴奋,急忙拉着妹妹一起购票参加。有幸亲眼看到自己的偶像,近距离看他们谈天说地,谈吐间都是人生至理,看得特别通透,对他们的敬仰又更深一层。

后来开始经历人生中大大小小的坎,甚至在我人生最黑暗的时刻,都是秉持着蔡澜的理念才能重拾信心踏出去。记得那段时间我连家门都不敢迈出,只想躲起来死了算了,对一切事物都兴致缺缺。结果刚好朋友圈子里有人也是职场失意,揪大伙去台湾旅行一个月,其他朋友都没空,但我毅然决定——去!到了台湾,从北到南吃吃喝喝,逛遍夜市,筷尖到处,面线、酥饼、鸡排、奶茶,尽数落胃。连吃数周,某日忽觉世界重染色彩,思绪清明,体内又涌起了向前的力气。

有道是:“没有什么烦恼是一顿饭解决不了的,如果有,那就两顿。

最近买了蔡澜的《活过》来看,基本上就是他的回忆录和自传。看到中段就频频摇头,觉得他写色和女人的部分让我不适,几天前还在边看边跟室友吐槽说,男作家好像一定要写这种腥膻色才能抓人眼球,多写点吃的难道不好吗?后来转念一想:权当是他游历各国的某种观察和证明吧。

吐槽归吐槽,他写的吃、旅游和见闻真的是无人能出其右。有点像简笔画,他总能用寥寥几笔描绘出生动的画面,让人能身临其境,通过他的老饕视角看到令人垂涎欲滴的美食,用他通透的目光观察世界各地不同的生活方式和文化。这也是我一直对他的书爱不释手的原因,去旅游之前还总会翻找一下他是否有写过这个地方不容错过的什么美食美景,几近奉为圣经的程度。

最近因蔡澜离世,网络掀起追忆潮。不婚主义者赞他 “无儿无女潇洒无拘”,老饕们核对蔡澜的 “死前必食” 清单,更多人传诵他的金句:

嗯,我也是天天这么跟室友说的。

前天看到一篇悼文说:“此刻传来蔡生离世的消息,我忽然觉得,香港空空如也。

四大才子已成黄金年代的图腾,以香港为炬,照亮一代华人的思想与活法。随着他们逐一离去,那个众星熠熠的时代悄然落幕——是文化的断层,更是一曲时代的挽歌。

新加坡街景随笔

之前一直对新加坡不甚喜欢,觉得它就是一座钢筋水泥铸就的灰色森林,不论如何进行人工美化,仍不改其拜金崇洋的铜臭本质,是个追名逐利、无人情味的所在。市里四周都是高耸入云的建筑,就算仰起头,也只能如井底之蛙一般,窥见蓝天的一隅。莫说居住,单是踟蹰其中,都令人有种窒息感,有点类似于幽闭恐惧症的、源自基因中的不适。

以前住在新加坡期间,不知是否因为环境的原因,自己的心态也有些微妙的变化,性情急躁不耐,容忍阈值变得很低,任何鸡毛蒜皮的磕擦碰撞都要抱怨几句、投诉一下,凡事锱铢必较。在疫情前后,更有多宗抑郁症或是思觉失调的案例,许多人说,被困在人口密集的鸽子洞(HDB 组屋)里面,四面墙和走廊都是缺乏温度的灰白色,连一片可供散步的后花园都没有,正常人都会闷出病的。所以每当有人问起我是否要定居在新加坡,我都会说不。它自是工作打拼攒钱的好去处,但我不会作在此长居之计。只因我内心向往一望无际的蓝天、宽广的湖泊,碧绿的草原,让我心旷神怡身心舒畅的辽阔视野,让我瞬间想起世界这么大,人这么渺小。在那个当下,啥都不是事儿,繁琐小事不再烦心。

但今日的我忽然发现,之前是我狭隘了。

这是一个悠闲的午后,我从新加坡的克拉码头沿着河畔,徐徐往市中心步行而去。

午后的阳光不太晒,正是适合散步的好天气。水面波光粼粼,我经过码头沿岸酒吧里叹着鸡尾酒的西方游客,望向远处巍然伫立的三座金沙塔。这时我忽然意识到,新加坡还是有其美丽恬静的一面。

我慢慢往维多利亚街走去,一路上行人颇多,其中不乏一些跑步骑单车者,也有一些在拍摄街景的游客。

沿途经过福康宁公园,它郁郁葱葱的外墙令我忽然回忆起以前学校带我们去参观过的一个纪念墓园。当年游园之时我就萌生过一个念头——如果能够在墓园工作那该多好,无需跟人打交道,每天把这些战士们的墓碑、纪念碑擦干净、除一除草、种几棵树,累了就在草坪上席地而坐,看着远方的天空,遥想这些墓碑主人的英雄事迹,或是思考一些人生哲理、写点随笔、或取景写生。那该是多么疗愈的一份差事!

斯坦福路的一些建筑富含旧殖民时期的英式特色,在繁华的城市中,形成一道独特的风景线。

就是在漫步的途中,我忽然发现,新加坡实际上是这么美丽的一个地方。为什么我之前对它存在这么大的偏见?那些个窒息感、急躁感、铜臭味,会否只是我内心焦虑的一种折射?或许是因为过往在新加坡生活的我也曾是一个期待追名逐利的年轻人,对获得成功急不可耐;而在沧海桑田之后再度返回此处的我,终于也能够静下心来,在午后的河畔漫步,因而捕捉到其细微之处的美。

这座金融都市里无数道美丽的风景,就这么安静、朴实无华地伫立在原地、藏匿在一个个公园后巷里。

静待着这座城市里无数个步履匆匆的行人,终能有放慢脚步的那一天。

演讲这道坎

一直都对在众目睽睽下独自演讲感到害怕且不自信,受邀参加分享会或行业对谈会都一律要求有主持人,一问一答地,总是有人陪着在台上才觉安心。

去年中忽然收到一封邮件,请我在十月中旬做个 15 分钟的演讲。我本着对学习机会来者不拒的心理接受了,一直说服自己要跳出舒适圈才能有所成长,心里却无比忐忑。答应此事之后就不断地有近似后悔的情绪涌入脑海,身体每一粒细胞都对此事万分紧张且抗拒。但我的座右铭是,一旦做了决定就不后悔不回头!于是便把心一横,按下所有疑虑,硬着头皮跟着主办方定下的时间表行事。

主办方同学们非常热心,单是为定下主题就跟我开会讨论了不下 5 次,我也一直询问他们的意见,问他们邀请我是希望我可以分享哪方面的故事或知识、什么样的内容会让他们或当天的观众感兴趣等。跟他们聊着,我也渐渐厘清了自己的思路与方向,记下一些可以作为讲稿内容的片段。基于这些片段中较有趣且能够互相连贯的内容,我写了一份初稿,分享我在电竞行业里的工作经验,并消除一些对电竞行业的误解。因为演讲主题是涅槃重生,我就选用了我女队的故事为主轴,讲述我们如何从得不到赞助、解散,到最后重组并夺得金牌的故事。

第一次线上练习,同学们在我把初稿内容念给他们听了之后,先是称赞了我的口条和流畅度,之后就开始分享一些他们作为听众的直观感受和可以更好的部分,比如我有越往后讲得越快的趋势(这个许是因为不自信、或者怕听众失去耐心和专注),还有针对初稿内容的反馈。他们认为女队的故事篇幅太长,而且会让男性听众难以共鸣,所以希望我可以分享多一些关于如何勇敢追梦、怎么入行等的内容。另外,他们希望我能注入更多感情,最好能娓娓道来地引领观众到一个情绪高潮点。但同学们的意见也只能给到这份上,至于怎么去写出这些起承转合,还得由我自己去头痛了。

基于这些反馈,我重新伏案涂涂改改,终于改出了一个新的版本,这次以教导大众关于电竞的入门知识为轴,假定观众对电竞全然不了解,以简单易懂的比喻来讲解电竞、阐明误解,到最后才分享故事。这次的分享一结束,我就得到了很正面的反馈,终于松了一口气。但离真的放松还早呢——讲稿有了,便是时候开始演讲练习了。

同学们鼓励所有演讲者都参加线下的演讲练习,好观察我们的肢体语言并给出直接的反馈,但由于地点偏远,我得飞一个小时再搭一个多小时的车才能到。我本着既然答应了就要把它做好的心态,自费机票住宿独自前往,参加了两次线下的演讲训练,其余三、四次则是在同学们的同意下通过线上视讯进行。训练的内容是演讲者们轮流上讲台,在其他演讲者、指导老师们和同学们的注视下,练习演讲,之后接受批评和反馈。

第一次线下练习时我首次见到其他演讲者,其中有企业创办人、心理咨询师、生态保护专家、专科医生、当红 YouTuber 与一位德高望重的禅师,都是来自各行各业的佼佼者。我更发现有些演讲者甚至已经准备好了 PPT,这个部分我根本还没开始,讲稿也才有了雏形而已。也是在这一天,我获悉讲堂不会有提词器,所有演讲者还必须把自己的讲稿一字不漏地背起来。我愈发紧张,轮到我的时候我在讲台上从双手到声音都在颤抖,尽管是拿着稿念,之前说过的不要越讲越快、要有眼神接触等,全都忘得一干二净。之后的反馈环节导师们直言不讳地指出我的各项问题,我不愿失却进步的良机,一一默默谨记。

这一役让我觉得些许惭愧,并极想根除我内心的紧张感。但说得容易,该怎么做呢?我思来想去,紧张感的来源必定是对自己或对讲稿的不自信。讲稿已经几乎改无可改了,那我下一步必定得把讲稿背熟背烂背透。若我下的准备功夫能够远超其他演讲者,也就不存在什么比较之下的伤害了。于是我决定下一番苦功,早早地背完讲稿,留下充裕的时间去雕琢感情、语气、肢体语言等各方面。自此,我不管在做什么,只要嘴上有空的时候就背稿,念的次数和频率高到室友都快会跟着背了,翻来覆去地都不知道念了多少遍。我还用上各种网上找到的记忆法,比如用家具,用颜色等,一段一段地记。15 分钟的讲稿真的不短,囊括了我的行业故事辛酸点滴,我有时背着背着还会怪自己为什么这两段要这么个接法,根本记不住,但都背到这份上了,说改已经太迟,只好咬着牙囫囵吞枣地死记硬背。

到了练习阶段的尾声,在一些演讲者还在反复修改讲稿的时候,我已经能够把自己的讲稿倒背如流,月余不懈的努力总算是没有白费。PPT 的部分我也一切从简,很快就准备好了。之后一次线上练习的时候我记得导师和同学们还争论了起来,一位说我有一点小问题,另一位说其实已经很好了不用改。到了最后一次的线上练习,他们都一致地说他们已经没有什么反馈可以给我了,我已经完成了上台前的准备功课,接下来就是等待演讲日的到来了。

在临近演讲的数周前,我发现自己怀孕了,而且胎像不稳已经出现了问题,当时医生告诉我最忌的就是情绪紧张和四处奔波。我考虑了一番,是否要为此放弃这次的演讲,但既已走了这么远,我最终还是毅然决定把事情做好。之后的线下彩排和演讲本身,我都请家人驱车载我前往,车程中每一次颠簸都让我担忧,但转念想想,命中注定该是你的就是你的。

在彩排当天我才发现能够走的圆毯空间实际上很小,而且要兼顾到两个固定的摄影机位,所以其实没多少活动空间。而且我之前设计的 PPT 转场也都不能用了,要手动把原来自动的动画逐帧分割。但准备到此刻这些已经是小问题了,我回家休憩养胎的当儿又做了一系列 PPT 和肢体语言方面的改动与练习,终于转眼间到了十月中旬的 D-day。

当天我的演讲是下午场的第一位,也是大家在午饭后昏昏欲睡的时候,所幸主办方的同学们组织了一个舞蹈环节,让大家得以醒醒神。我在上台之前上了厕所、深呼吸、喝了热水,午饭也没敢吃,基本上把所有能缓解紧张感的动作都做了一遍。到了上台的一刻,经过了司仪的介绍、主办方播放了我预录的简介影片,我戴着耳麦踏着稳健的步伐走上了讲台。

站上讲台,一盏巨大而灼热的聚光灯直直地照在我的脸上,当我往观众席看去,只能看见一片黑压压的,依稀能分辨出一些人的轮廓。演讲的一开始,尽管万事俱备,我依旧驾驭不了我的紧张感,脑子不停地转动,在想着我下一句是什么,应该怎么说更好,居然出现了两次没跟讲稿走的即兴发挥,却发挥得差强人意,让我心里一沉。但随着演讲进入正题,我背得滚瓜烂熟的词句几乎是不由自主地从嘴里流泻而出,甚至快到我的大脑都有点跟不上。我索性停止思考,把大脑的优先级往后放,让肌肉记忆接管我的身体。这样一来反而收到奇效——我都来不及紧张,就赫然发现演讲已经过了一大半了。

然后终于,到了最后分享故事的部分。不知是不是因为当天的环境使然,我发现自己注入了较之前练习时更多的感情,代入了自己故事中的情境,到了最后演讲高潮的部分,我的眼泪已经在眼眶里打转。在演讲结束的一刻,随着我的致谢,观众席的掌声响起,而我鞠了个躬,走下讲台。

四个月的准备,到头来不过是台上十五分钟的事。

演讲当天,我几乎完美地完成了整个演讲,几乎没有出错,这让我长舒了一口气。回到观众席后,几个月来一直指导我的老师们特意过来找我,称赞我的进步非常明显,还说今天的演讲非常出色,他们为我感到骄傲。这些话让我感到无比鼓舞。之后,许多观众和同学也来找我合影,并告诉我,我的故事打动了他们,让他们对电竞有了全新的认识,还感谢我的分享。主办方的同学们也给了我大大的拥抱,感谢我的参与。看着观众席中妈妈和室友的眼神,我终于确信,我的演讲成功了。

虽然这之后我不幸流产,但我始终没有后悔坚持完成演讲这一决定。相反的,它让我成长了许多,让我终于克服了此前对演讲的恐惧与不自信,让我收获了很多心得。每年国际电竞联合会年会上的分享,都会让我忐忑不安,甚至紧张一整年。但有了这次演讲的经验后,之后的分享我都比往年镇定多了。

我们或许可以在网上看到别人分享的演讲技巧,比如如何展现自信、如何把握语调的抑扬顿挫,但看一百个视频也不如一次亲身体验来得深刻。很多经验和心得,只有当你真正站在那个情境中,才能切身体会,才能真正明白个中的道理。

Ghost of Tsushima: Thoughts

Just finished playing the base game + DLC of Ghost of Tsushima, per bestie’s recommendation. At first, I was skeptical about whether I’d last past the first 15 minutes—looking at Jin’s face, not really attracted to him, nor particularly wanting to play as him. The opening was only so-so, given today’s standards for game cinematics. Not to mention, in the case of the Japanese fighting Genghis Khan’s grandchildren, I’d probably be keener to side with the latter given my Chinese heritage.

But the game quickly reeled me in with its open-world exploration mechanics—the ever-familiar Witcher/Skyrim-esque formula of discovering places of interest, revealing the fog on the map, gathering collectibles, etc. As I discovered the joys of counter-attacking after a perfect parry, pulling off a clean five-man stand-off, and breaking barriers with the matching techniques, I knew I had to finish the game. Beyond the chill exploration of Tsushima’s beautiful landscape, which offered countless picturesque moments, there was also the suspense of Shimura’s judgment looming on the horizon, keeping me eager to uncover more of the story.

The base game’s ending was poetic and emotional, and I loved it. I loved the message it conveyed about creativity, survival, and traditions. It also makes me wonder—does it reflect a questioning, awakening, rebellion, or contemplation among this generation of Japanese against the deep-rooted traditions that Japan, as a nation and tribe, so greatly values? The expectation to obey and observe traditions and codes without question was, incidentally, also the foundation of Japan’s militaristic capabilities, which led to massacres and war crimes that subjected many, including my grandparents’ generation, to cruelty. Maybe they’re now considering capitalizing more on their national strength in creativity while abandoning the traditions and customs that have only served to bind them—forcing them to knowingly make mistakes in times of crisis. Maybe this is their way of signaling to the world that the new generation of Japanese is rebelling against their predecessors—and they’re done making mistakes.

I, for one, absolutely love this generation of Japanese creators for crafting such an amazing masterpiece of a game. Please bring us more like this, in Ghost of Yotei and Death Stranding 2.

The Difference between Esports & Gaming

Gaming is not sports.
Esports is a sport.

To this day, many people still don’t recognize the difference between gaming and esports.

On top of using their brains, esports athletes need incredible levels of hand-eye coordination & reflexes, long-lasting stamina & focus. If they don’t eat healthily and exercise, it affects their physical condition and causes brain fog. So most esports training regimes consist of physical training as well.

People take issue with esports because they think all esports players do is sit around, move their fingers and game.

But did you know how boring, repetitive, and stressful esports training can be? At the top level, nobody thinks of gaming as a source of enjoyment or relaxation. It just happens to be the activity you’re talented or gifted in. It’s merely a tool to best your opponent and win the prize.

On top of muscle memory training & reflexes training, imagine getting told off for your shortcomings every single day, being forced to reflect on your mistakes, and finding ways to improve so you won’t drag your teammates down.

Imagine an in-game misplay that costs you and your team a few million dollars.

Imagine having excruciatingly painful, inflamed tendons in your arms because of years of repetitive movements.

Imagine having blurred vision and headaches because you’ve been staring at the screen with such intense focus for hours on end.

Imagine having to live with neck & back pain for the rest of your life.

Not to mention how short the career lifespans are for esports athletes, sometimes even shorter than those of traditional sports athletes.

It’s an incredibly competitive field. Many are lured by the prospect of huge cash prizes into becoming esports athletes, but less than 1% can actually get their hands on them. Everyone at the top has sacrificed a great deal to get to where they are. Luck, discipline, physical condition, and mental strength also play big parts in this, and it’s nowhere near easy.

So please, stop equating gaming to esports and blaming your children’s gaming addiction on esports. It’s truly an insult to the years of blood, sweat, and tears that our esports athletes have put into training.

Gaming is not sports.
Esports is a sport.

To this day, many people still don’t recognize the difference between gaming and esports.

On top of using their brains, esports athletes need incredible levels of hand-eye coordination & reflexes, long-lasting stamina & focus. If they don’t eat healthily and exercise, it affects their physical condition and causes brain fog. So most esports training regimes consist of physical training as well.

People take issue with esports because they think all esports players do is sit around, move their fingers and game.

But did you know how boring, repetitive, and stressful esports training can be? At the top level, nobody thinks of gaming as a source of enjoyment or relaxation. It just happens to be the activity you’re talented or gifted in. It’s merely a tool to best your opponent and win the prize.

On top of muscle memory training & reflexes training, imagine getting told off for your shortcomings every single day, being forced to reflect on your mistakes, and finding ways to improve so you won’t drag your teammates down.

Imagine an in-game misplay that costs you and your team a few million dollars.

Imagine having excruciatingly painful, inflamed tendons in your hands because of years of repetitive movements.

Imagine having blurred vision and headaches because you’ve been staring at the screen with such intense focus for hours on end.

Imagine having to live with back pain, arm injuries or stress-induced medical conditions for the rest of your life.

Not to mention how short the career lifespans are for esports athletes, sometimes even shorter than those of traditional sports athletes.

It’s an incredibly competitive field. Many are lured by the prospect of huge cash prizes into becoming esports athletes, but less than 1% can actually get their hands on them. Everyone at the top has sacrificed a great deal to get to where they are. Luck, discipline and mental strength also play big parts in this, and it’s nowhere near easy.

So please, stop equating gaming to esports and blaming your children’s gaming addiction on esports. It’s truly an insult to the years of blood, sweat, and tears that our esports athletes have put into training.

If your child isn’t gifted in gaming, it will at best be a hobby or pastime; they will not suddenly become an esports player – if there are no orgs or clubs willing to sign them or pay them salary to compete, it’s considered a hobby and not a career.

And therein lies the difference between esports and gaming.

《直男癌病史》讀後感

今天遊台第五天應好友 Grace 之邀來到迪化街吃飯,就順道探訪了季風帶大稻埕書店,希望能貢獻自己微薄的力量支持一下新馬的文化事業。找到並買了一位自己很佩服的同窗出的書《永發街事》,正要付錢的時候,店員大力推薦了書店創辦人林韋地寫的《直男癌病史》,而且還是作者簽名版,反正已是本著支持的心態,索性一併買了。

出於好奇,我當晚回到就翻開了這本書。剛開始對作者挺反感的,覺得很多形容都非常下流粗鄙,不斷物化和貶低女性,在想他是不是藉著書中角色來跟世界分享自己內心對女性的真實想法,且居然還好意思簽名?

作者對新馬台政治社會生態和身分認同的闡述都令我非常感興趣,因為自己也是在新求學、長年來回兩地的大馬人,書中角色的刻畫也跟我許多認識的人很像很一致,但一看到書中男性各種齷齪的對白和內心戲我都會很想跳過。或許也是出於一種逃避心理,不願去接受或面對這些破事可能離我很近的可能性。

我幾乎是邊讀邊搖頭嘆氣,就快看不下去的時候,一個精彩的轉折令我眼前一亮,於是我抱著重燃的一絲期待,耐著性子看下去。結果讀到後面才漸漸發覺作者原來是在藉著這些個男主角們來反諷這種「直男癌」的現象,也才在當下赫然體會到書名的意思。

每每看到本地新聞和評論都覺得新馬一帶的中文程度日漸堪憂,所以看到近期還有這麼好的作品真的感到非常欣慰。

對於一開始誤會了作者總覺得有點抱歉,沒辦法,過年回去吉隆坡時可能又得到季風帶馬來西亞去支持一下了!

Can Esports be Considered a Sport? – The Age-Old Debate

A recent article posted on The Straits Times insinuated that esports athletes are inferior to other sports athletes because they’re mostly game addicts who sits around all day, only moving their eyes and fingers. The author also implied that esports is in essence not too different from hobbies such as knitting and baking.

Truth is that the author is pathetically misinformed about the strict training regimens of esports athletes nowadays, and isn’t able to effectively tell the difference between esports players and casual gamers in the first place. And unfortunately, many others share these misconceptions about esports.

Prize pools in esports have amounted to exceed that of conventional sports, with stakes as high as tens of millions in USD per match. Under these conditions it is incredibly naive of these naysayers to still think that any esports team or professional player would not be doing whatever it takes before matches to ensure their physical and mental states are in tip-top condition.

1. First of all, GAMING ≠ ESPORTS

Gaming is a hobby, esports is a full-time job.

Many non-gamers love to throw the term ‘esports‘ around with contempt and thinking it simply means ‘a bunch of game addicts wasting time‘, without even bothering to find out what ‘esports‘ really means. The difference between esports and gaming is essentially the difference between the NBA League and street basketball that you play with your friends.

And similarly, comparing esports athletes with casual gamers is like comparing Muhammad Ali to a someone who punches a sandbag at home to destress everyday – apples and oranges.

Esports by definition means competitive gaming, but as we have so many top-tier competitions nowadays with insane amounts of prize pool, esports should be more accurately defined as “the top level of competitive gaming“. As such, anyone can become a competitive player, but it’s definitely the cream of the crop who’d come to be referred to most often as “esports players“.

Professional esports athletes chose esports as a full-time job. They made the conscious decision to dedicate their life to the craft, moving into a bootcamp / training house, and hone their skills on a daily basis with the help of support staff such as full-time coaches, analysts, psychologists and chefs or nutritionists. As players are contractually-obligated to commit to daily training, and share the same goal of winning as the organizations paying their salaries, most of them only take short breaks from daily training at the end of competitive seasons.

At the top level of competitive gaming, hard work is something that’s so ubiquitous that it’s expected of everybody – nobody would brag of training diligently; results would speak for themselves.

Professional esports teams train against other pro teams (often from another country / region) on a daily basis, and in between training they’d either be watching and analyzing replays, coming up with new tactics and strategies, working on improving teamwork and communication, studying recent changes or trends in the game, or exercising in order to keep their stamina up to prepare for long hours of intense concentration.

Loving the game doesn’t equate to being good at the sport.

Gaming is a huge industry made up of billions of gamers worldwide, and many gamers aspire to become professional players. But the sad truth is, perhaps only the top 0.00001% can eventually make it to the international stage. Hard work, top-tier skills, dedication and the right mindset is a given; and you’d need more than a bit of luck to get scouted and picked up by a proper team / organization, have compatible teammates to compete with, build a strong reputation for yourself, for the slight chance to eventually get picked to represent your country when the time comes.

And the five in every SEA country who eventually get selected, would be your esports athletes representing their respective countries in the SEA Games.

So insinuating that our national esports athletes are just a bunch of lazy bums sitting around all day is honestly a rather huge insult.

2. Of Physical Aspects and Sacrifices

There are in fact many parallels to be drawn between esports and certain conventional sports titles. Take competitive shooting for example – when competing at the international-level, like esports it requires intense mental focus maintained for a prolonged period of time, excellent physical condition as a basis for stamina, as well as strong psychological resilience in order to excel.

The international esports stage is where a momentary lapse of concentration could mean losing a million-dollar game; a well-timed skill instinctively executed by muscle memory could as easily turn the tides in a team’s favor in a close game. There’s no room for mistakes in a top-tier match – one player’s error could mean the loss of millions of dollars for the entire team; there’s simply too much at stake.

As such, maintaining tip-top physical form is essential to winning games. Many esports teams have taken to incorporating some form of daily physical training to their training regimes, as physical form is well-known to be linked to greater stamina and better mental focus, both essential skills for esports athletes.

Most physical sports require maximizing the potential of various parts of the human body, and esports as well has incredibly high requirement for hand-eye coordination and lightning-fast reflexes. Repetitive reflexes and muscle memory training are thus included as part of some teams’ daily schedule.

And diet-wise, since a couple of years ago nutritionists and full-time cooks are already included as part of the support team living in esports team bootcamps. Many teams ban fried or unhealthy food in general during competitive seasons as it’s said to slow your reaction time.

What people don’t see is that many esports teams also impose strict rules on social behavior, prohibiting the use of mobile phones, messaging apps and stopping players from leaving the bootcamp or seeing their partners during competitive season, as all these would tend to distract players and affect their emotional state and eventual condition in matches.

These are some of the common sacrifices made by esports players who compete at the top level, mutually agreed with and enforced by team organizations.

3. Definition of Sports – Not a Comparison of Brute Strength

When it comes to the definition of sports, we disagree that it should be a comparison between the extent of the usage of bodily muscles, as suggested in the original article. If we go by this logic and go about defining what’s sports and what’s not based on the amount of ‘physical challenges’ involved, does that mean that anyone who can lift a 100kg weight or display a certain amount of physical prowess can effectively be considered an athlete?

If that’s the case, what about sports titles such as golf, archery and shooting? Should they be considered sports titles since the amount of ‘physical challenges’ required are also limited to certain body parts and doesn’t necessarily require Herculean levels of brute strength? Just where exactly do we draw the line?

4. Esports is Not in Desperate Need of Recognition

Esports is already a billion-dollar industry on its own – with a strong fanbase and lines of merchandises built around its unique pull and high entertainment value as a spectator sport. With numerous competitive game titles across different platforms (PC, consoles & mobile), most international esports tournaments nowadays have no trouble filling up entire stadiums.

After all, esports still has its roots in gaming, and it relies heavily on the sponsorship and investments attracted to the huge gaming consumer base. And with that, within the past decade we’ve seen the formation of healthy ecosystems surrounding esports, creating more and more full-time, sustainable jobs, including match commentators, team managers, esports journalists, game analysts, etc.

Even with the huge stigmatization towards gaming and widespread misconception towards the notion of ‘esports‘, the industry is already standing strong on its own, having regular competitive seasons and league systems, solid fanbases and markets, high-quality media production, engaging narratives, an ever-growing pool of talents and support staff keeping the scene running and expanding exponentially. Seeing the potential in a budding industry, an increasing number of professionals such as lawyers and psychologists as well as entrepreneurs and investors are exploring or creating opportunities in esports as well.

Gaming is a widely-favored form of entertainment in this generation of youths, and as they grow up to make up the workforce and make the conscious choice to join and further grow the esports industry, it won’t be surprising if esports eventually comes to edge out conventional sports.

Hence, we’re glad to say that at this point in time, esports is really not in desperate need for recognition. Being part of the SEA Games or the Olympics is definitely a huge step forward for the industry in raising awareness amongst the general public or gaining governmental support, but we’ve done fine on our own in the past decade, and are thus completely alright with not being part of these mixed sports events.

Like a “well it’s nice to be included, but we’ll also do fine without it”.

Because with or without the support of the older generation who refuse to open their mind and understand esports, the industry is here to stay and will only keep growing stronger as the years go by – and that is the truth whether or not you choose to accept it.

This article was originally published on the Battle Arena Malaysia Facebook page.

MAJOR ALL STARS 有感

*以下所有言论仅代表我个人的观察与意见,与任何机构无关。照片来自赛事官方帐号。

 

MAS 期间参与了 falloutgaming 团队(此后简称 FG)。

FG 四位创办人当中的两位,Francis 和 Adrian。

本来也是抱着一点想进谏的心态,因为从一开始主办方就是采取跟本地电竞人保持距离的立场。打从他们允许几个打假赛的队伍参赛、允许在游戏中用快捷指令(Macro)键等风波开始应该就有好多人都极想跟主办方沟通了,我也是其中一个。后来也就顺利地认识了他们,发现跟他们在许多方面都很投契。

FG 一直都很自信,感觉好像很清楚知道自己在做些什么。他们本身是广告 / 活动公司的背景,之前都是帮一些著名汽车饮料品牌和歌手办大型活动的,然后因为自己都有打 Dota,于是决定把线下比赛、著名战队都带到东南亚来,让这里的粉丝有机会零距离接触自己的 Dota 偶像。

而我在加入这个团队后,在比赛期间的职务其实就是跟战队交涉、照顾选手,基本上就是跑腿兼战队的“奶妈”总管,另外也帮忙承办赛前的宣传和送票活动,这些工作我都驾轻就熟,也没多聊薪酬的事,就欣然答应了。

我是一个电竞人,不过也通过结识了主办方而了解他们的一些背景、处事态度,甚至苦衷,所以想分享一下我个人作为这次比赛工作人员的一些观察和感想。

东南亚电竞圈普遍匮乏的专业理念

东南亚的网民,尤其是爱电竞的族群,大部分还是不太成熟的。热情,但不成熟。看看东南亚的一些页面上分享的内容素质和网民的行径就能窥见一斑,许多东南亚著名的电竞人物也是抱持比较不专业或不成熟的态度在行事。这是一种很典型的东南亚风格,大家都很喜欢在一些灰色地带试探,只要有漏洞就钻,无孔不入。这种风格有时候是很纯朴可爱的,可是常常也叫人扼腕。

这是 FG 一开始比较不涉身本地的电竞圈子、也不太寻求本地电竞人帮助的原因。他们要在东南亚电竞圈子里打造一个专业的品牌。这点其实甚为艰难,跟这种未成熟的大环境形成冲突,他们那种较为疏远而专业的沟通方式可能会不为大众所理解,不过相较于西方的一些大型电竞机构却更为相似一些。这其实也是我当初选择支持他们的一大原因。

话虽如此,他们最终在执行的方面无法跟上这种专业的理念,眼高手低。其实也是有点骄傲轻敌了,以为靠着办活动的丰富经验就能简易地办好一场电竞比赛,殊不知电竞比赛里各种技术方面的问题都是需要有专门知识才能搞定的。

本地电竞人对本次比赛的态度

有些电竞人听说这个大型赛事即将在自家门口举行,口口声声说要帮忙,被婉拒之后却在网络上不断地对本次比赛冷嘲热讽、煽风点火地引起舆论。这种居心我比较不了解,且作为电竞人卡在中间的我也是比较两难。

一方面我真心希望比赛可以成功,而要达到这个目的我需要马国电竞粉丝们的支持,可是同时我又不想出面得罪那些唯恐天下不乱的人、徒惹是非,何况其中一些还是跟我颇有交情的朋友。于是开始各种私信劝导,希望他们可以停止动作,把一些有建设性的提议给我由我转交予主办方。然后其中一些人听了我的话也决定从旁帮助(这里要特别感谢一下)。

eSports Malaysia 代表 Rinie 在记者会上发言。
(本地赛事要付费才能获得此政府机构的官方批准)

那些真心想帮助的人,开始把信息以各种不公开的方式传达到 FG 的手中,渐渐开始了一些信任与合作。中间也曾经因为错信了人而差点出了事,这里说说一个小插曲。

插曲:E 君的故事

话说,某本地知名战队经理 E 君在决赛两个星期前通过各种管道,软硬兼施地要求赛事方把自己的战队强行加入线下赛中,或是替补当时已经受邀的战队。可是由于我们都觉得这样对其他早已受邀、参加预选和成功出线的战队太不公平,于是就没有同意他的要求,同时邀请该战队在我们的全明星赛中亮相。他们的选手之后好像也是推却了,事情不了了之。

不久之后,E 君从朋友口中探知了比赛相关的敏感机密内容,随即有意地将之泄露出去,并施以各种低下手段企图把比赛搞垮。这种人的居心也是比较明显,就是你们不让我参加比赛,我就让你办不成比赛。之后多亏了一些愿意帮助我的人把此事消弥于无形,不过这也让我看清了某些人道貌岸然的嘴脸,给我上了非常宝贵的一课。

赛前筹备:门票

筹备方面我并没有参与很多,主要只是帮忙卖票和送票而已。主办方的原意就是要让众多的东南亚粉丝到场观看大型比赛,和自己心仪的选手接触拍照等,可是可能跟粉丝的互动和沟通不够好吧,到了一星期前还发现好多人都不知道只要是持票入场的(不论哪种票价)都有机会见到偶像索取签名合照,而 VIP 的好处则更多一些,比如可以参加庆功派对等。我相信他们在客服和沟通方面都还有待加强。

不过个人还是觉得,如果广大粉丝没有受到一些负面舆论的影响,或许也会对这个比赛抱以比较支持的态度,而不是事事都以质问、谩骂的方式企图得到解决;这是一种非常不健康的文化,也真心希望以后本地的电竞粉丝能够对本地的活动以及赛事有着更加正面支持的态度,这样定能鼓舞从事电竞的主办方们,进以提升比赛和活动的素质。

赛前隐忧

我去过的大型比赛也有好几个了吧,每次都是以经理、领队或是内部人员的身份参与。难得终于有机会亲自参与,我就在这次比赛开始之前把自己可以想到的可能出差错的东西都列成了一个清单,呈给主管们。奈何这份清单并未得到什么肯定就被抛之脑后,到了赛前突发状况还是频频发生,从赞助商到技术方面的问题层出不穷。

比赛本身的筹划部分已经不足,实际的准备更是与纸上说的差了一大截,比赛前一晚解说台的电脑都还没准备好,我急得要命,解说也急得要命。当晚我陪着越南和英文解说们来来回回跑了好几趟场馆,可是 FG 他们当时好像还有其他问题要解决,一直都没能腾出时间来把电脑问题搞定。许多问题我只能干瞧着无能为力,安慰解说们说“明天应该就没问题了”,可是心里其实一点底也没有。

知名选手 Dendi 在电脑赞助商 tbun 店里出席赛前粉丝见面活动。
第一天:网线、插座与电路问题

第一天主要就是网线方面的问题吧。原来的电脑赞助商派了一些人来帮 FG 设计场馆的网线,可是比赛第一天早上俄语解说台怎么都连不上网的时候却找不到技术人员来解决问题(整个早上 tbun 负责人的手机都打不通)。之后具体究竟发生了什么我也不太清楚,我自己就是想到先去安抚一下解说们的心情,然后问他们有没有办法解决,毕竟他们自己也常办大型线下比赛,这种网线问题应该是家常便饭。

忽然想起 Empire 的经理本身是个网络专家,就跑去请他来看看网线和伺服器是不是有问题。他一看之下却也只是摇摇头,说他自己也没有十足把握可以解决问题,而且电脑内部的系统都是 tbun 那里的技术人员才可以解锁的,他要帮也无从帮起。

当下我真恨不得自己也是个网络专家。可是我什么也不能做,只能帮忙给赞助商那里打了好几通电话,然后像个热锅上的蚂蚁,后台前台到处跑,试图安抚在场的战队和解说。可是安抚之际还是难掩自己心中的那种无力感。等会儿技术问题真能解决吗?明天真的能打完剩下的比赛吗?我其实自己也不知道。

之后好像还出现插座过热以致溶化的问题,当时 Invasion 和 Navi 战队先后从台上迅速跑到后台来说他们好像闻到什么东西烧焦的味道,随即发现是台上有个插座连接器被烧坏了。FG 方面找人把电路和插头重新修复好了,可是网络问题仍是无法得到解决。不久之后下起了雷雨,雷电交加之际场馆某处的电线更出现短路,场馆所有的网线终于一并烧坏。此时问题再无法修复,于是第一天提早结束。

好多选手和工作人员事后都跟我说,第一天的我看起来一直是一副眉头深皱压力很大的样子,想要劝慰却又不知道说什么。这也使我有点啼笑皆非,作为战队奶妈应该是由我来安慰选手不是选手反来安慰我吧。后来想想当时自己也只是一直干着急却又无能为力,其实又有什么用呢。

插曲:Empire 的 “训练赛”

这里又要说一段小插曲。话说第一天早上我在场馆安排好各战队的对战和休息房之后,忽然听说 Empire 选手在网上发了一些表示不满的状态,说他们的第一场比赛没有裁判也没有解说。我也是觉得有点纳闷,那一块因为不是我管的所以一开始我也不想越界去干预,可是出现这样的情况总是非常不合理。于是就跑到后台去问问那里监管后台比赛的裁判们(志愿者),结果一听完他们的回答我当场气得破口大骂。那好像是我生平第一次冲着这么多我不认识的人喊吧,现在想想也有点内疚,毕竟不是他们的错,这里想对他们说声报歉。

反正第一场的情况就是,选手自行建主机,投币之后马上开始,主机里没有裁判,在场的和国际的解说都不知情。基本上跟训练赛没有两样。我当时脑中根本无法理解这种情形到底为什么会发生。之后我就跟那帮裁判(志愿者)说,此后比赛我来负责,我会通知 OB 来开比赛主机,然后知会所有解说,经过我的允许才能开始。我擅自插手此事虽是有点惴惴不安,不过我觉得是必要的。否则线上的观众看什么?

Team Empire 在后台的选手休息室。
第一天晚上:重新修改赛程

第一天的活动在下午接近傍晚时分取消了。我和其他奶妈们把各自的战队送回酒店之后就接到了一个不属于我管辖范围的任务,就是编排隔天的比赛行程。可是接到这个差事的时候我其实非常兴奋——终于有机会在修复问题上贡献自己的力量了,编排赛程也是我一向来比较熟悉了解的东西。

我花了约 4 小时的时间排出了几种可行的赛程,可是当中牵涉到很多同时进行的比赛,当时我脑中瞬间又浮现起 Empire 打 TR 第一场的情况。于是我果断地跟 FG 要求,请他们允许我在安排赛程之余,主持和监管之后的所有比赛。他们也爽快地答应了。不过看情形,当下他们也没有更好的选择了。

这天晚上我收到了很多温暖的问候与加油鼓励的话语,一整天都没有流下来的眼泪终于也忍不住了。许多朋友们也纷纷热心地提供自己的帮助。这个比赛的成败本来不是我们的责任,但为了挽救局势和本地的电竞,大家的目标一致,许多客套的话语也无需多说。

第一天晚上:两批人马的加入

当晚场馆里来的两批人马,第一批是 eSports Malaysia (eSM)的行政人员,第二批则是 Mineski Events Team(MET)的工作与技术人员。在活动与执行方面,eSM 好像是跟 FG 做了一些沟通,具体我也不太清楚,好像就是训斥了一番,并且监督第一天晚上的修复与准备过程。据我所知,他们并没有提供任何实质性的帮助,但在嘴力和眼力方面的贡献绝对是毋庸置疑的。

在技术与电脑方面,当晚所有工作人员和 MET 的人员合作把烧坏了的网线、伺服器都换成了新的,然后电脑也(免费)换成了 MET 之前自己办的比赛中所用的白色电脑。第二天到场馆的时候,广告板上电脑赞助商的标志也随之更换了。有了专业技术人员的帮助,我的心其实定了很多。

第二天:后续的小问题

新进的一批 i3、i5 的白色电脑荧光灯五彩缤纷我非常喜欢,然其性能却不如之前的 i7,隔天因为显示卡与系统的问题再度引起了一些解说和选手的不满。由于电脑采用的都是网吧系统,所以每次重启时解说们都得重新录制直播软件,性能方面又有点负荷不了直播的重担,所以又出现了一些新的问题。一些西方的选手也向我反映了游戏中的显示以及 FPS 问题,说打团战的时候看不清楚,要求更高性能的电脑。出现了新的问题也是令人头疼,不过至少 MET 的技术人员有强烈的责任感,在场随时候命,在沟通和处理方面都高效方便多了。

网路方面在更换网线和伺服器之后也稳定了很多,并没有什么大问题,这也令我非常庆幸。

然而,如果这一切都事先准备妥当的话,其实第一天的所有问题都是可以避免的。

第二天:赛程与执行

第二天的赛程是我做的,所有比赛的执行也是我来操办,在确保比赛都能准时开始准时完成的前提下我也做了许多艰难的决定。我能够做到的,就是尽力安排让每个战队都有出镜、签名或是上台打比赛的机会。

知道第二天的执行肯定比第一天要更为艰难,而且我完全不认识那些管理比赛的志愿者,于是我在得到批准之后在第二天上把 10 几位朋友带入场馆帮助我监管比赛,在这里也要特别向他们致谢,因为他们也是第二天比赛顺利进行的大功臣。各个队伍的奶妈们也在忙碌的第二天上帮了我非常大的忙,从战队、解说到主办方的各种需要他们都一一办到,四处奔走,非常辛苦。

战队奶妈们(Team Nannies)帮我准备的晚餐!爱死他们了,整场比赛对我最好最支持最温暖的团队。

疯狂地和众位朋友们忙碌了一天下来,却一点也不觉得累,第二天结束时向我致谢的人们也包括了 eSM 和 MET,大家其实都是为了我们国家的电竞而付出,我向他们都回以了热烈的拥抱。终于得以贡献且获得认可和感激的那一刻让我觉得,再辛苦都是值得的。

插曲:战队签名会

记忆中第三天也并没有发生什么,只是好像有一个有关战队签名会的小插曲吧。Na`vi 当时刚战败了得了比赛的第四名,心情不太好,却还是很配合地答应在场馆门口为久候的粉丝们签名。主办方于这类有明星或重要人物的活动是很有经验的,重心很明显是放在明星人物身上,在 MAS 期间的话就是那些国际选手。所以在保安的重重包围下 Na`vi 来到了门口,当时排队的大概就是场馆里三分之一的观众数吧。

在照顾选手方面他们做得非常好,然而在照顾群众方面就不尽然了。有些群众只要某个知名选手的签名,但碍于时间的缘故保安人员必须让久候的群众只拿其中一位选手的签名就离开,这又再次造成许多人的不满。其实说到底这也是由于工作人员不了解电竞的缘故,不了解说有些选手较其他队友更有人气。

归根结底,非电竞人要承办一场电竞活动,需要照顾到的方方面面真的很多,很多管理方式和经验也是由上到下一起累积的,绝非一朝一夕之功。

结语

这次比赛中我看到了学到了许多,也要非常感谢 FG 给我亲身体验这一切的机会,我对比赛的认识也终于从战队经理、选手、翻译的视角涵盖到了战队负责人和主办方的视角。

然而每当我回想起这次的比赛,我始终想不通的,就是我事先写好呈给主管们的备忘录真的好长好长,都是我基于自己带队参加海外比赛的经验,绞尽脑汁想的许多可能会发生的状况,最后也几乎每一件都发生了,但为什么他们就是不听劝、非要以自己的方式去做?或许是当时的我人微言轻,他们只当我是一介可以免费为他们宣传的实习生兼万用跑腿,在办理活动方面也毫无经验,所以并没有人真的重视或是针对我的备忘录作出任何相应的调整,导致事先准备的和一个国际赛事应有的设备真的差太远。尽管后来我们竭尽全力地力挽狂澜,在许多方面始终是无力回天。

当我清楚知道事情应该要去怎么做好,却还是有太多事情在自己的掌控之外,那种心理上的挣扎是很痛苦很无力的。这就是我在本次比赛最强烈的一种感觉,贯穿全程。这种无力感在我接管比赛后的第二天上得到了改善,但还是不免想到,如果给我几个月的时间来筹划,我至少可以确保一切能思及的东西都已准备妥当。

但每每思及大家在我极度无助之时予以帮助的时候,心中总是一片暖烘烘的。

数年后新增后续:欠奖金与薪酬

我在整个 MAS 比赛的工作,包括每日去办公室参与筹备解决问题商讨对策、多次线下卖票、线上宣传、编制赛程、与各界各方做翻译沟通、照顾战队选手、简单来说就是包山包海,包括他们(似是在我不知情的情况下)用我的名义邀请国外众战队等,他们给我的,或觉得我应得的,一共是 3000 马币的薪酬。

不过赛后的我其实已经不想再和 FG 有任何合作关系了,只想敬而远之,所以那三千块我其实也没多计较,也没多想去讨回来,免得还要跟他们见面交涉。反之,FG 的人赛后不断尝试联系我,想找我一起重组整个公司并在改名后重新起航,继续在电竞圈打拼。但当时我的心好累,虽然赛前赛后我已经竭尽所能地去力挽狂澜,但我始终觉得愧对了支持我的人们,包括很多远道从新加坡过来观赛的朋友。所以我拒绝了。

我在许久之后仍没有收到我应得的薪酬,后来在跟一位当时赢得奖金的国外选手闲聊时,才赫然发现他也始终没有得到他的奖金。后来我再去询问了几位其他国家战队的成员,得到的答案亦然。

我后来也询问了几位西方知名的解说,发现他们已经决定组织起来向 FG 讨一个说法了,于是我才加入他们,一并跟 FG 谈欠奖金与薪酬的部分。而选手方面,也是在社交媒体施予压力后才得到一个“能否分期付款”的答复。还有许多没有公开施压的选手或战队,看来也已经是放弃了,让奖金的事不了了之。

对我来说,我从此次 MAS 比赛得到的并不是薪酬,而是人生中非常宝贵的经验与成长,让我在一夜之间看清了好多人事物,而且因为我选择在 FG 需要帮助时加入他们而非与他们站在对立面,更让我发现了许多之前看不见的丑恶,以及许多千变万化的嘴脸。这些是多少钱都买不来的。

但事后的我每每听到 falloutgaming 的名字、他们更名后重新征战电竞的公司 The Gaming Co 又有什么新搞作、或是有人跟我说他们还在欠奖金、不守承诺、搞砸什么比赛的破事儿,瞬间就觉得好累。仿佛完全失去了热忱… 又或许他们动摇了我对人性根本的理解?我不知道。也不想去理了。

心累啊。